lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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