I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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