R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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