Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
