If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
