cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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