Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
