you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
