Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
