Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
