I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
