I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
