Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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