There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
