youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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