It's Friday. Sex?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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