I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
