I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
