bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
