go do what you do best...puke behind churches
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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