Welp...herpes.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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