just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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