On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
