I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize