apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
