Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
