Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
