I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
