True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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