Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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