Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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