i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize