Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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