He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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