i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
