i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
babies were throwing up all over the place
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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