she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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