Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
