You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i love accidental penises.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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