u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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