He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
