my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
