i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
