On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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