Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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