So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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