Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
