my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
