How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
