How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
