So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
