just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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