In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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