mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
