In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize