she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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