she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
