how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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