I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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