when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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