Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
BRING THE BAGELS
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
