mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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