is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
