So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im holly from the hills drunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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