I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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