She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Success! We fucked roommates!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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