idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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