There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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