Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
